On a wharf off the Thames. It is dark (blue stage). A single gas street lamp can be seen burning backstage center. In the distance can be heard the sounding of bells from ships and boats as they travel up and down the river. Stage left is the hull of a ship, "Moriarty".

HEYWOOD WATSUP sits, center stage, smoking a cigarette.
COLONEL PHINEAS T. MUSTARD enters from stage right and crosses. He stops and observes the smoking man a moment.)

MUSTARD: My God, sir! You are all ablaze (grabs a nearby bucket and empties it on WATSUP). There! That'll take care of it... where there's smoke, there's fire, you know!"

WATSUP: (jumping to his feet as he is doused with water) Here! You've doused me with water, Mustard. Now i'm all wet...

MUSTARD: As i said, where there's smoke there's fire... (puts down bucket and rushes to WATSUP) And besides, being all wet is not new for you, is it? (laughs and lights a cigar)

WATSUP: (shaking his head and sprinkling water over MUSTARD) Where there's smoke, there's fire do you say!
(MUSTARD jumps out of the way. WATSUP walks upstage. stands shaking water off his clothing)
Did you mail my letter to Mary?

MUSTARD: As you asked. Posted it from Rotherhilde. What was in it, anyway, Hey?

WATSUP: Mustard, I've told you a thousand times not to call me "Hey". Heywood, Watsup or even Heywood Watsup, but not Hey.

MUSTARD: Sorry, old chap. I know, leads to Hey Watsup... Old habits die hard, you know. (removes his hat and scratches his head) So... Watsup, what's up... with the letter, that is...

WATSUP: Oh, just a little (evil laugh), request for funding assistance, you might say.

MUSTARD: Ah! (joins WATSUP up stage, and upstages him. There ensues a little battle to see who can upstage who... WATSUP wins, but only by standing at the edge of the stage) So the little lady has some money, does she? How much, I might ask...

WATSUP: (lears at a female audience member in front of him and twirls his handlebar mustache) None of your business, Colonel. Suffice it to say I shall have the little lady and the treasure, too.

(Both men laugh as they turn and walk stage left. MUSTARD stops at the ship and looks at the name. His head moves in reptillian fashion, to and fro and he exits stage right. WATSUP watches his companion as he exits and looks at the ship, himself. With a loud "Hmmmmm", he exits behind MUSTARD.)

(Enter stage left, a CONSTABLE, followed by LESTRADE. Both men stop center stage and look about. Both see the "Moriarty" at the same time. They stand, silently for a few minutes. LESTRADE breaks their silence with a loud snore.)

CONSTABLE: Inspector? Wake up, Sir. Wake up.

LESTRADE: Huh, Wah, Uhh

CONSTABLE: It's the "Moriarty", Inspector. Owned by the Napoleon of Crime, you know.

LESTRADE: Err, Ummm, Ahhh.

CONSTABLE: My thoughts exactly, sir. Does Mr. Holmes know that she is here?

LESTRADE: Ummm, Wahh, Errr.

CONSTABLE: Perhaps we should send a telegram... He would know what to do... (turns and begins to cross stage left. stops at wings and sees that LESTRADE is still standing there.) Inspector?

LESTRADE: Snort. (his body jerks as though startled)

CONSTABLE: Inspector!

LESTRADE: Good Heavens, Murray. Keep it down. You'd think all the fighting in Afghanistan left you deaf. (turns and follows CONSTABLE out)

(Enter stage right, WATSUP, followed by two street urchins.)

URCHIN 1: (squeaks) Zor? Zor?

WATSUP: You sore, boy? Best see a doctor for that.

URCHIN 1: Oi seed it, zor. Oi seed 'er wiff 'im.

URCHIN 2: (shuffles feet and makes inarticulate strangle noise)

URCHIN 1: Quiet, Billy (URCHIN 2 turns and gives broad wink to audience. He flashes his buttons.)

WATSUP: You been gardening, boy? What about seeding it?

URCHIN 1: No, zor, Oi seed yer Mary wiff Watson... 'n' thet 'Omes feller.

WATSUP: My Mary? You've seen her? Where, boy, where?

URCHIN 1: Up in Baker Street, zor. Where thet 'Omes feller lives.

URCHIN 2: (makes another strangled gargle)

URCHIN 1 and WATSUP together: Quiet, Billy (URCHIN 2 turns and makes another broad wink to audience, again. He goes stage left and looks at the ship sign)

URCHIN 2: GLUB

WATSUP: (shakes his head as he looks at URCHIN 2) Did you see "IT"...

URCHIN 1: IT, zor?

WATSUP: Yes, IT.

URCHIN 1: Yer mean...

WATSUP: Yes, I mean...

URCHIN 2: Dawk.

WATSUP: Well, Wiggins?

URCHIN 1: Yep, Oi seed it.

WATSUP: I told you before, I don't want to hear about your gardening. Did you see the treasure... (goes stage left and lights a cigarette, standing behind URCHIN 2. both look at the ship's side)

URCHIN 1: Thet's wot oi mean, zor. Oi seed it.

WATSUP: Then, it's time to put my plan into action. (taps URCHIN 2 on shoulder and gestures to URCHIN 1.) Let's go. (exits stage left)

(URCHINS stand for a few seconds, then both run upstage. Another upstage contest occurs and both fall down from the struggle. Both speak from a sitting position)

URCHIN 2: Quickly, now, Wiggins. We must warn Mr. Holmes and Dr. Watson

URCHIN 1: Roighto, Billy.

(both get up and exit stage right at a dead run)