Scene: Outside 221B Baker Street.

Present in scene: Watson peering through fog.
[Enter Mrs Watson, in a great rush.]

Mrs Watson (throwing herself into Watson's arms}:
James!

Watson (gently correcting her):
John.

Mrs. Watson (confused):
Mary.

Holmes (appearing in doorway):
Certainly not. (Moves toward the charming couple)

Mrs. Hudson (appearing in doorway):
He seldom is, particularly when the rent falls due.

(Watson and Mrs. Watson exchange glances, confused.)

Mrs. Hudson (nods to Holmes):
Merry, I mean. He seldom is.

This section to be excized by censors before performance -
so that they have something to justify their jobs.
{{ (Laughter and faint bellow of animal offstage)

(Holmes, Watson, Mrs. Watson and Mrs. Hudson turn in direction of bellow and shout):
Now, cut that out!

Aggrieved Male Voice on other side of stage:
And clean that up! So what if you are writing this scene??
I won't have that animal mucking up my nice, clean stage!

Aggrieved Female voice offstage:
My moose is my muse.

[Sound of National Anthem. Enter Queen Victoria. She crosses slowly centre stage and stands majestically facing audience. National anthem ends.]

Queen Victoria [coldly]:
We are not a moosed.

Female voice offstage:
And I'm not an American. [Opening bars of "The Maple Leaf, Our Emblem Dear. the Maple Leaf Forever", hastily cut off.]

[Exit slowly and regally Queen Victoria. Sounds of bellowing, quacking, crashing, thumping, shouting and other sounds of furious struggle offstage, followed by one tremendous crash and bang of door.]

Male voice offstage, no longer aggrieved:
That's settled her. [Shouts to Holmes, Mrs. Hudson and the Watsons] Carry on, why don't ya! This play's supposed to be over by midnight!

Mrs. Watson [to Watson]:
Why do I feel we are trapped in the midst of a Monty Python sketch?

Holmes [calmly lighting pipe]:
Nonsense, my dear Mrs. Watson. This is 1890. Mr. Python has not yet been born.

Watson [muttering]:
Neither has Miss Penner; but that's not stopped her intrusion into another story.

Holmes [musing, not heeding Watson]:
Nor has vaudeville. (Draws on pipe) Been born. (He pauses in midst of drawing on pipe) I think. (Calls): Billy!

(Boy with buttons appears in doorway)

Holmes:
Kindly look up "Vaudeville" in my commonplace book.

(Boy turns to leave)

Holmes:
Or try the "Encyclopaedia Brittanica"

Chorus [offstage]:
Rule Brittanica!
Brittanica rules the page!
It and Shakespeare are the glories
Of the age!

Holmes:
Now, Mrs. Watson. Tell us briefly what has brought you here before that woman returns.

[Mrs Hudson, Mrs. Watson and Watson strike attitudes of surprise and indignation]

Holmes: I do not mean Her Gracious Majesty. I mean the other woman and her confounded menagerie. }} This section to be excized by censors.

Mrs. Watson:
Oh, Mr. Holmes! Oh James! I beg your pardon. Oh John! I feel so out of kilter. I should have confessed this to you before our marriage, dearest; but I did not wish to lose your love. When I was a girl, I wrote an indiscreet letter, an impulsive letter, a foolish letter to a handsome scoundrel and now..."

[She fumbles in her handbag and draws out the letter. She hands it to Watson.]

Watson [reads]:
Merry Mary, quite contrary.
How does your garden grow?
Merry Mary. Best be wary.
You now will reap what you sow.

[He looks hard at Mrs Watson] What does this mean, wife?

Mrs. Watson:
You were not my first love, James... I mean, John. I... I may not be your wife. [Cries out.] He left me at the altar. I thought he was dead, or as good as! But he's heard of the Agra treasure! He thinks I have it! And now he's come back - to claim me as his own. [says as an afterthought] Along with the treasure.

Holmes [nonchalantly]:
Of course.

Watson [embraces Mrs. Watson and strikes noble attitude]:
Mary's love is the only treasure I desire.

Holmes [takes letter. Scrutinises envelope.]:
Hmm. Written in prim capital letters with a "J" pen that splutters. Posted Rotherhilde. The paper is of a peculiar thickness not found in any paper of English manufacture. The writer knows your married name, but spells it phonetically: W-O-T-S-I-N. Yes. This is deep indeed.

[He looks up, notices he is not alone.]

In this murky light, I can see nothing further. Mrs. Watson, you are shivering. A thousand apologies for keeping you outside in the fog. Please accept whatever hospitality Mrs. Hudson can provide you. Watson, dear fellow. Escort your wife to my rooms upstairs and see that she is made comfortable. Mrs. Hudson, please see that tea is provided. Lots of tea, hot and strong, and those scones you are famous for.

[Watson, Mrs. Watson and Mrs. Hudson exit through the doorway of 221B, nearly colliding with Billy, who carries a huge volume.]

Holmes:
Yes. The matter is deep indeed. [Especially since not even this dramatist has a clue what it is]

Billy:
Here's the "Wee's", Mister 'Olmes. 'Ow's you spell Waddiwill?"

{{ Part with Billy must be cut by same censors. Unless Chaplin plays it. Always liked watching Chaplin. }}